This Princess is VERY happy

As you all know I finally got to go to North Carolina.... and I had pretty high expectation of the whole thing. I want to let you all know that he's not perfect but he's the best thing in the world to me and I can't wait to start my life with him :D

He's a little weird and a complete dork but I couldn't stop smiling when I was around him. I felt myself be annoyingly clingy and want to be by his side all the time. Whenever we were sitting down he always either had his arms around me or my legs were in his lap. 

I hiked for the first time. I am incredibly out of shape and definitely need to work out more to keep up with him. Haha :] I have never been more happy in my life though. 

We're planning on seeing each other a lot more over the next year. He even told me that he would consider going to graduate school closer to me so we can be together. Unfortunately we're not officially dating until we can be closer but.......

 I can't believe how much I miss him right now. 

Okay Okay... It's Finally Happening!

I can't believe it but I'm finally getting to go see Chris here in just 2 days! I'm so sorry that I haven't been blogging lately... Just summer school ruined my life! Don't ever EVER take 10 hours during the summer its terrible...oh and if you have to take those classes don't go to Allen County Community College...just because it's cheaper doesn't mean its better...because believe me don't waste your time with that half ass school. [insert very angry emoji]

ANYWAY!

My flight is booked and its finalized nothing is keeping this princess from getting her prince charming!!! I'm so nervous and excited and overwhelmed it's crazy! We've been talking a whole lot more since we decided it was finally time to see each other! This boy just dropped almost $250 on a plane ticket for me and a shuttle to get me to him... Like...what!?!?! I was so surprised. He's so crazy amazing and I can't wait to finally meet him. 

I'm leaving KCI at 6:10 in the morning and should arrive in NC by 1:10 then the 3 hour shuttle to get to him... Its a long trip but completely worth it to see my maybe true love right?

I know there isn't much to this post but believe me when I get there I will try to post a whole lot more, and obviously on my 11 hour trip I'll blog too......and there will be a billion picture :P

THIS PRINCESS IS GOING TO NORTH CAROLINA!

XOXO

P.

Day One: Part 3

I followed his mom and grandmother into foyer that had double doors. I walked in and his mother closed them behind me.

"I want to give you something that is very special to our family Porschae.. something that goes way back to my mother's mother and even her mother before that. " I looked at his grandmother pick up this very ancient box as she grinned bigger then I've ever seen before.

I was getting anxious and definitely wanted to know what was in the box, "There isn't a finger in there right?" 

I nervously tried to make a joke that definitely fell completely flat but his grandmother was a lady and just smiled as she said, "Believe me, you're going to love what's in here"

Continuing ...

She open the box, the glare off of this diamond inside could of blinded me. I looked at her and Chris' mom "What is that..."

"It's a diamond dear." his mom responded.

"It's not just a diamond. It was my great great great grandmother's diamond that went into her engagement ring. It has been passed down from grandmother to incoming brides for generations."
"What makes you think I'm a incoming bride?"

"I have never seen my son so happy. For the past 3 years I've heard so much about you that it feels right having you here. Almost like I've known you for the past 3 years. I'm not ready for my little boy to get married and move on with his life but...it's easier when every time you text him his face lights up or when a picture of you comes on Facebook he rushes to show it to me. Its easy when I see how in love with you he is....I believe with my whole heart you two will be forever happy"

"Yes because in our family the men don't get remarried" his grandmother added.
I listened to them never quite taking my eyes of the probably 3 to 4 karat diamond staring at me. I stood completely frozen. My inner panic started to grow.

His family is giving me a huge diamond right now...

This can't be normal, He hasn't even told me he loves me.

How do I respond...What do I say.

I can't do this right now..

"Dear are you okay?" Chris' mom said

"I'm sorry...I got a little light headed"
"It's normal, I was about as surprised as you when I received it. It can be made into whatever you like...a necklace, a solitaire diamond on a bracelet  or if you'd like it can be given to Chris for, you know, a ring." she hesitated like she was afraid I was going to run, "You know I'm not trying to push anything on you...I'm sorry if all of this is freaking you out"

I quickly looked up at her and smiled, "I need you to understand that when I think about my future and any life changing plans they always include Chris. I love him with all my hear and soul" I laughed a bit, "He completely...completes me, I think my panic is because I wasn't expecting this to happen so soon, this way" I paused and looked at his grandmother, "I appreciate this so much and I can't wait to join your family"

***********************************

Chris and I finally reached his apartment after an exhausting night of spending time with all of this his closest family members and I just wanted to jump into the bed and cuddle with him.

"Baby?" I said softly.

"Yes beautiful," he said as he grabbed a bottle of wine out of his fridge. I paused not completely sure if I should continue what I was going to say. He turned and looked at me, "Is everything okay baby? My family didn't scare you off did they," he smirked.

"Nothing could make me leave you at this point Chris, but I do need to know something" I climbed onto the couch and laid on my back as he poured me a glass of white wine.

"Anything you want sweetheart," he slowed climbed on top of me and put his head on my chest. My hand automatically went into his lush brown hair. "Please tell me what's on your mind."

"Do you love me?" my words came out like a gun. I knew if I didn't get it out in that moment I would never ask...unfortunately I felt the instant wish I didn't say it in my stomach.

Chris' head came up as he kissed my collarbone "Of course I love you baby. Did you not know that?"

"You've never told me,"

"I know... I guess I just figured it was something that was assumed," He paused to kiss me again, "I won't do that again. I love you Porschae."

"A lot?"

"Yes a lot." I took in a deep breath. I realized it was a loud sigh when Chris laughed, "Was that weighing on you all night?"

"A little bit... you called me your girlfriend earlier and instead of feeling a ping of joy, I was overwhelmed with panic. We have talked for 3 straight years and we have made it very clear about how we feel about each other...kinda."

He interrupted me, "What do you mean kinda?"

"I mean.... I can personally say that I've loved you for....years. I've never stopped thinking about you and I've always wanted to be with you. I have always...known...that you were the prince charming to my fairy tale. I have a way of fucking up things that really matter to me and when you said I was your girlfriend to you family and when your mom had told me that you loved me it just made me wonder.....why you hadn't told me"

"Probably the same reason why you didn't tell me you loved me all those years ago...I was scared that I would be showing you feelings that you weren't ready for," At this point we had both sat up staring at each other. The undeniable chemistry brewing between us, "When we started talking all those years ago I didn't imagine you'd be this special to me. I couldn't fathom loving someone from 900 plus miles away, but....you changed that. I was scared obviously. I don't want to do anything to ever lose you"

I put my hands in his, "Kinda seems like I'm your end game" I laughed to break the seriousness of our conversation. He pulled me onto his lap and our eyes locked.

"Baby...you're my only game."

Day Two Coming Soon!

XOXO

P.

Day One: Part 2

We went into his room to put my bags up and I sat on his bed trying to contain my nerves. He closed the door and looked at me "They don't know we're here yet...we're a little early." He sat next to me and put his hand on my leg. I reached over and put my hands around his neck. I laid back on his bed as our lips met for the very first time, When we came up for air I dazed up at him and whispered "....wow" as I touched his face he kissed my hand and smiled saying,  "Yeah, that's what I imagined my last first kiss to be like"

Continuing ... 

My face flushed, my chest felt heated and I continued his words in my head as we went out to meet his family 

His last first kiss... like last? I can't believe this is happening...

I can't believe how happy I am

I stepped onto his porch as a herd of his family members crowded around me. They all buzzed with different question and statements but they went unheard as I continued in my daze.

I really love him...but I'm only 20...

am I ready to get married?.. I mean I do really want to be with him.

We could be engaged for a really long time... that would work...

"Baby?" Chris looked at me confused..

I automatically snapped out of it. "Oh I'm so sorry...I must be jet lagged" I said as I rubbed my forehead embarrassed by day dream. I looked around at all the excited faces as a women walked slowly toward me holding a glass. 

"I'm Chris' mom. Drink?" she was beautiful and so calming as she handed me a champagne fluke. "How was your flight my dear?"

I smiled saying "It was long and kinda frustrating but it was worth it" 
"Yes Chris is definitely worth a 5 hour flight right?"
"Definitely, I couldn't be happier to be here... to finally be with him"
"....He does seem happy doesn't he?" We both looked in Chris' general direction. I stared at Chris trying to signal him to come over. He was talking and laughing with a small old women that I assumed was his grandmother when he caught my eye. He found his way to me and put his arm around me and chuckled at his mother "Mom...."

"Yes dear?"

"Are you interrogating my wonderful girlfriend?"

girlfriend!?! we haven't talked about that..
we really haven't talked about much of anything actually

"No dear. Just friendly conversation. That's all" she smirked as she took another drink.

"Can I steal her please?"

All of the sudden the little old lady was by my side. She slipped her arm my waist, "No no me and you mother need to have a conversation with the pretty lady"

Chris looked worried...which worried me, "Grandma please don't scare her off"

"Little old me?" Her laugh made me laugh. It was a grandma laugh that calmed me instantly "She's a big girl, I promise we'll bring her right back" She looked at me as she started walking into the house "Come on my dear. I have something to show you," she smiled and laughed again as I followed her into the house.

This was obviously not Chris' house it had to be his parents...maybe his grandparents. I followed his mom and grandmother into foyer that had double doors. I walked in and his mother closed them behind me.

"I want to give you something that is very special to our family Porschae.. something that goes way back to my mother's mother and even her mother before that. " I looked at his grandmother pick up this very ancient box as she grinned bigger then I've ever seen before.

I was getting anxious and definitely wanted to know what was in the box, "There isn't a finger in there right?" 

I nervously tried to make a joke that definitely fell completely flat but his grandmother was a lady and just smiled as she said, "Believe me, you're going to love what's in here"

To be continued....

Day One: Part 1

Like I promised, these next couple of posts are going to my dreams in story form...I'm really excited about this. I've never wrote my dreams down and I would love your feedback on them. 

DAY ONE:

I'm sitting on the plane nervously tapping my fingers excited to finally get in the air. I sit back and close my eyes but I'm so restless I can help but picture his face. It's going to be a long flight, and I can't wait to get to North Carolina. 
The plane gets to North Carolina and I slowly take off my seat belt, feeling the hair rise on my arms. "I can't believe this is finally happening....after 3 years...I get to finally see him" flashes through my head. I grab my bags and rush to the door of the airplane then stop abruptly. I reach for my phone in my pocket to check to make sure I don't look flustered, that there wasn't anything on my face, basically to check if I looked perfect enough to meet the man I want so desperately to be my future husband.  
I walk out slowly scanning the crowd to find Chris, then our eyes meet. My face felt hot as I walked toward him.
"Hey" he said slowly and shaky.
"Hi," I responded.
Then he pulled out a bouquet of peonies...my favorite flower and smiled as he said "I saw your instagram picture on facebook and thought it was fitting"
I couldn't help but laugh at the fact that he got the idea off facebook especially since I stalk his facebook when I'm just bored all the time. I laughed to myself and took the flowers and smelled them. He took my bags from me and we just stood there staring at each other. So to break the silence I threw my hand out and said "Porschae". 
He looked down at my hand and smiled as he put his hand in mine and said "Chris"

***********************************************

We arrived at his house and before we walked in he stopped and looked back at me, "I want to warn you that... my entire family is in there."
I laughed and when I looked up at him he had the same expression on as before, "Wait you're serious right now?"
"Yeah, it was" he paused "completely out of my hands"
"Why..."
"When I told my mom you were coming she demanded that she meet you...and then my mom got to talking to my family....by the end of that week everybody wanted to meet you and come visit..."
"When you say everybody...."
"Aunts, uncles, cousins, my grandparents....yeah...everybody baby" I felt hot again and I'm sure the panic showed on my face, he came down the stairs and grabbed my hand "They are going to love you, don't worry about it." I nodded and we went inside.
As the door opened all I heard were the distant chattering of his family members he looked at me and smiled "They're probably in the backyard" I could not contain my nervousness. We went into his room to put my bags up and I sat on his bed trying to contain my nerves. He closed the door and looked at me "They don't know we're here yet...we're a little early." He sat next to me and put his hand on my leg. I reached over and put my hands around his neck. I laid back on his bed as our lips met for the very first time, When we came up for air I dazed up at him and whispered "....wow" as I touched his face he kissed my hand and smiled saying,  "Yeah, that's what I imagined my last first kiss to be like"

To be continued... :]

Cherish You Dreams

For the last couple of days I have been planning my wedding.... before you freak out..... no, Chris did not propose, no I'm not engaged, but I have had series of dreams that have been so real its crazy. In every one of these dreams my prince charming was obviously Chris, but it composed of a different day of my trip to see him. Until 2 nights ago he proposed in it, I woke up more happy and excited to see him then ever before. 

Do I honestly think when I go to North Carolina he's going to propose? No, not at all. It's a total unrealistic pipe dream but its a dream of mine. Like I said in a previous post, when I think about my future it's always with him.... so why not get a head start on the planning? There are the obvious reason...Like I don't want to seem like a crazed girl obsessed with getting married or that I'm just crazy .... period. I wouldn't want to get married this soon anyways...I mean, I'm only 20. I would love to be engaged though, for long time. Like getting engaged during the summer then married two years later. Just enough time to make sure it's the right choice but not too long that it seems like we're going to be engaged forever, giving me plenty of time to plan and save up for my dream wedding (okay yes I have a little box under my bed labeled "dream wedding fund" and yes donations are welcomed) and most of all for us to feel out what married life would be like for the two of us.

When I get married I want it be the love of my life. The guy I can grow old and die with, with tombstones right next to each other on the top of the hill under a tree. I want forever. I don't want to get married multiple times, marriage isn't a test drive, you don't get into different ones until you find the right fit, that's what dating is for! I want to get married once and only once so I don't feel bad for spending a tremendous amount of money on my special day. I don't want "My wedding day.....take two" that's not cute! I'm happy for all those people who found the love of their lives on the second or third try but I don't want that for my life. I want my love to be epic, I want my love to be that kind of love that people look at you and say "wow I can't believe after all these years they're still together" I want love everlasting. I want that feeling of falling in love with my spouse all over again everyday for the rest of my life. Why is that so hard nowadays? 

Okay, So really I think I'm going to start a series of my dreams so you all can really understand what's going on and why I'm reacting the way I am. Like I said these dreams are so unbelievably real and for some reason I remember every single detail of them....which doesn't usually happen. It's crazy...and I want to share them with you. So starting tomorrow I'm going to 1. type out the last 4 days of dreams so you can get some background and 2. type out every single one of my dreams when I wake up. I think this will be fun...and maybe if I can actually see some of your feed backs of them....so I can feel...well....less crazy! 

I'm super excited!

XOXO

P.

"Cherish your visions and your dreams as they are the children of your soul, the blueprints of your ultimate achievements."

Napoleon Hill

Just Wait and See

My life feels like a constant race. There are hurdles at every turn and I just have to do my best to jump them as I continue towards my goals. My hurdles seem to be getting bigger and bigger as I go on. Some times they aren't reachable and I have to look back at the fallen hurdle as I continue...but the fallen hurdles are piling up fast and I feel like I'm losing this race. I feel like I'm failing at my life...

I wish this post was going to be a happy one, but it really isn't. This post is following me getting some really bad news...and even though I should be sleeping right now, I just cant.

All I've ever wanted was to go to KU and be a Jayhawk, graduate in 2015 then go on to UCLA, where I would go to law school. I thought that it wasn't such an ambitious dream, something that could be easily accomplished. I wasn't expecting to have so much difficulties with my classes. I didn't expect that I would have troubles with my general education classes that really had nothing to do with what I wanted to do with my life.... I didn't expect this at all... I've never really thought I was the smartest person in the world. I had average knowledge... I'm definitely not stupid obviously but I'm no genius, I have my weak point and my strong points.

It seems like nothing that I truly want ever really works out for me. Like if I really really want it, I won't get it. I want to just give up on everything. I once  tried to commit suicide. It was a real low point in my life and even now it's not something that has ever left my mind. I don't think I would ever try again, but the thoughts of it still linger. Like if I died how would Chris find out... would anybody even think to contact him? Or If I decided to not brake...would that I die if I ran into that tree? I'm never going to not be depressed I don't think. It feels like something that is always going to be there. 

My life is one big joke. Everybody is in on it, just wondering how much shit they can throw at Porschae before she breaks. I just wonder how much I can take...because I feel like I'm reaching my limit. I don't honestly think I can take much more disappointment. I don't think I can take much more of anything bad in my life. I'm becoming very apathetic about everything now.... Like If I just don't really care about anything maybe I'll stop being disappointed. Does that make sense? but...does it really. If I stop being passionate about things in my life...what I really want to do, where I wanna go, things I wanna achieve....will I stop getting hurt? I don't know if that's how it works but obviously what I'm doing isn't working....I'm doing something wrong...and I would just like to know what it is........

To the world I'm a pretty girl who has everything going for her but in truth I'm just the girl who feels like everything is just falling apart.

Is taking my life the answer?

No, I can't do that...I have amazing people here. I have probably the best mom anybody could ask for. I couldn't just leave her here with that devastation... suicide is the most selfish thing I could do to a women who has done everything for me. I have amazing friends who know exactly what to do to put a smile on my face...and I have the unknown that is Chris... 

I have things to live for...I really do. 

I just need to re evaluate my life and get back on track... 

I can do that... I know I can...

I have to stop doubting myself and get my ass back on that track and jump over every damn hurdle life throws at me. 

Princesses don't quit, they don't throw in the towel and they don't just let good be good enough. I will be great... No I'll be better then great, I'll be phenomenal... just wait and see. 

XOXO

P.