Just Wait and See

My life feels like a constant race. There are hurdles at every turn and I just have to do my best to jump them as I continue towards my goals. My hurdles seem to be getting bigger and bigger as I go on. Some times they aren't reachable and I have to look back at the fallen hurdle as I continue...but the fallen hurdles are piling up fast and I feel like I'm losing this race. I feel like I'm failing at my life...

I wish this post was going to be a happy one, but it really isn't. This post is following me getting some really bad news...and even though I should be sleeping right now, I just cant.

All I've ever wanted was to go to KU and be a Jayhawk, graduate in 2015 then go on to UCLA, where I would go to law school. I thought that it wasn't such an ambitious dream, something that could be easily accomplished. I wasn't expecting to have so much difficulties with my classes. I didn't expect that I would have troubles with my general education classes that really had nothing to do with what I wanted to do with my life.... I didn't expect this at all... I've never really thought I was the smartest person in the world. I had average knowledge... I'm definitely not stupid obviously but I'm no genius, I have my weak point and my strong points.

It seems like nothing that I truly want ever really works out for me. Like if I really really want it, I won't get it. I want to just give up on everything. I once  tried to commit suicide. It was a real low point in my life and even now it's not something that has ever left my mind. I don't think I would ever try again, but the thoughts of it still linger. Like if I died how would Chris find out... would anybody even think to contact him? Or If I decided to not brake...would that I die if I ran into that tree? I'm never going to not be depressed I don't think. It feels like something that is always going to be there. 

My life is one big joke. Everybody is in on it, just wondering how much shit they can throw at Porschae before she breaks. I just wonder how much I can take...because I feel like I'm reaching my limit. I don't honestly think I can take much more disappointment. I don't think I can take much more of anything bad in my life. I'm becoming very apathetic about everything now.... Like If I just don't really care about anything maybe I'll stop being disappointed. Does that make sense? but...does it really. If I stop being passionate about things in my life...what I really want to do, where I wanna go, things I wanna achieve....will I stop getting hurt? I don't know if that's how it works but obviously what I'm doing isn't working....I'm doing something wrong...and I would just like to know what it is........

To the world I'm a pretty girl who has everything going for her but in truth I'm just the girl who feels like everything is just falling apart.

Is taking my life the answer?

No, I can't do that...I have amazing people here. I have probably the best mom anybody could ask for. I couldn't just leave her here with that devastation... suicide is the most selfish thing I could do to a women who has done everything for me. I have amazing friends who know exactly what to do to put a smile on my face...and I have the unknown that is Chris... 

I have things to live for...I really do. 

I just need to re evaluate my life and get back on track... 

I can do that... I know I can...

I have to stop doubting myself and get my ass back on that track and jump over every damn hurdle life throws at me. 

Princesses don't quit, they don't throw in the towel and they don't just let good be good enough. I will be great... No I'll be better then great, I'll be phenomenal... just wait and see. 

XOXO

P.

My True Story About Domestic Violence

Not going to lie but this topic is a little hard for me to talk about. It's about my ex Michael and my first experience with someone putting their hands on me. 

This is my true story about domestic violence.  

How do I start a story like this? Do I start off by telling you that I was just turning 18 he was a 23 year old bad boy that I had no business with? Do I start off by telling you how we first met? Or do I start by saying that he is and always will be the biggest regret of my life...?

Michael and I had the stereotypical Ronnie and Sammie (Jersey Shore) type of relationship. We "loved" each other but always fought over the stupidest things because he wanted to control me. He had a terrible temper and he was my first older guy that I had dated and I was young stupid and didn't want to lose him. Something should of flashed in my head that this wasn't right when I found out that not only had he gone to jail but he had a felony that had to do with something violent.... but what's done is done and I can't really go back in time now.....

But I guess I will just start off with the night it all happened......

It was a summer night and I had to go into work. I worked at a bar that Michael had showed me and helped me get the job. I really liked it, I didn't have to work very long and got a lot of money from it. Michael would come get me from work every night and take me home where he basically lived with me. This time he actually came in and hung out in the bar and waited for it to close because some of his friends had came by to hang out and were still drinking.

At the end of the night Michael and his friends went out into the parking lot while I was finishing cleaning and tipping out. All of the sudden the bouncer comes in and says "Who ever is with the drug pushing white boy in the black durango needs to leave now" I was obviously confused and went and talked to the bouncer who I had grown a close friendship with. He went on to tell me that Michael had be jumping back and forth between vehicles with his friends in the parking lot looking into pill bottles and baggies. He added that he had confronted them and that Michael quickly snapped back saying that his girlfriend worked inside. 

I went outside embarrassed as all get out and got into the car and said quietly "Michael please refrain from selling drugs outside my workplace" but before I got that out Michael screamed and cursed at me to shut my mouth. (Let me note that the black durango that he is driving is my vehicle because not only did he not have a job he didn't have a car either.) 

I sat there in silence for a second as we drove down the highway thinking about how my life was going and finally I turned to him and said "Please call your cousin and see if you can stay over there because I can't do this anymore" He slammed on the breaks as we are going almost 80 mph done the highway... making my car skid toward the edge of the highway. He screams "Oh you think you're done with me!?!" and I reply "Michael what the hell you could of flipped my car. There is something wrong with you and you need help. I can't do this anymore it's emotionally draining" I went to reach for my phone to call the police and Michael grabbed it. I reached over to grab it back from him and then he grabbed the back of my head and slammed it into the steering wheel, entertainment console, and the passenger seat dashboard. At this point I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and crying. He put his hand around my neck and told me to shut up because we're going home. I whimpered and tried to stay quiet but my head and neck were hurting so badly that I couldn't help crying out. 

We make it back to my empty house and he shoved me into my back bedroom. I muscled up the courage to say "You're a monster and I never want to see you again" Michael looked at me and shoved me up against the wall and put his hands around my neck lifting me off the ground. I started violently hitting him as I started to choke, finally he let me go and I went to my bed into the furthest corner from him crying. 

We went back and forth for a second and he finally called a friend to come get him and then came back to shove an ambien down my throat. As I was trying to fight off the effects of the medication Michael sat there watching me as I drifted off to sleep, then went outside where he friend, Bryce was waiting.

This is where I should of gotten up immediately and called the cops. I can't explain to you my thought process but in my mind I blamed myself for everything that just happened. I forgave him immediately and tried to make things work. I was an idiot and me "trying to make things work" didn't last more then a week when he got violent with me again. Finally I told him that things were over and I broke things completely off with Michael.

What I regret most about this situation is that I didn't send him to jail. I regret that I was one of those girls who took the guy back after he hit her. I regret that when I see him out it ruins my entire day. The funny thing is, the one thing I don't regret is meeting him. I know that I deserve somebody better then Michael. Everybody deserves better then that. He ruined my summer before my freshman year in college but without him I wouldn't of met some amazing people and I wouldn't of made connections with these same people that have helped me become who I am today. 

I have a stance against domestic violence and have become a princess in my own right. I will never let someone else have that control over me and I will always be my own person, single or not. I know exactly what I want out of life and unlike him, I will reach those goals. 

I will make a difference, and I will stand tall

because that's what princesses do.

Thank you for reading this difficult story. It means so much to me.

XOXO

P.

“I guess it's going to have to hurt, I guess I'm going to have to cry, 

And let go of some things I've loved to get to the other side

I guess it's going to break me down, 

Like fallin when you try to fly, 

Sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life 

starts with goodbye” 

― Starts with Goodbye by Carrie Underwood