My True Story About Domestic Violence

Not going to lie but this topic is a little hard for me to talk about. It's about my ex Michael and my first experience with someone putting their hands on me. 

This is my true story about domestic violence.  

How do I start a story like this? Do I start off by telling you that I was just turning 18 he was a 23 year old bad boy that I had no business with? Do I start off by telling you how we first met? Or do I start by saying that he is and always will be the biggest regret of my life...?

Michael and I had the stereotypical Ronnie and Sammie (Jersey Shore) type of relationship. We "loved" each other but always fought over the stupidest things because he wanted to control me. He had a terrible temper and he was my first older guy that I had dated and I was young stupid and didn't want to lose him. Something should of flashed in my head that this wasn't right when I found out that not only had he gone to jail but he had a felony that had to do with something violent.... but what's done is done and I can't really go back in time now.....

But I guess I will just start off with the night it all happened......

It was a summer night and I had to go into work. I worked at a bar that Michael had showed me and helped me get the job. I really liked it, I didn't have to work very long and got a lot of money from it. Michael would come get me from work every night and take me home where he basically lived with me. This time he actually came in and hung out in the bar and waited for it to close because some of his friends had came by to hang out and were still drinking.

At the end of the night Michael and his friends went out into the parking lot while I was finishing cleaning and tipping out. All of the sudden the bouncer comes in and says "Who ever is with the drug pushing white boy in the black durango needs to leave now" I was obviously confused and went and talked to the bouncer who I had grown a close friendship with. He went on to tell me that Michael had be jumping back and forth between vehicles with his friends in the parking lot looking into pill bottles and baggies. He added that he had confronted them and that Michael quickly snapped back saying that his girlfriend worked inside. 

I went outside embarrassed as all get out and got into the car and said quietly "Michael please refrain from selling drugs outside my workplace" but before I got that out Michael screamed and cursed at me to shut my mouth. (Let me note that the black durango that he is driving is my vehicle because not only did he not have a job he didn't have a car either.) 

I sat there in silence for a second as we drove down the highway thinking about how my life was going and finally I turned to him and said "Please call your cousin and see if you can stay over there because I can't do this anymore" He slammed on the breaks as we are going almost 80 mph done the highway... making my car skid toward the edge of the highway. He screams "Oh you think you're done with me!?!" and I reply "Michael what the hell you could of flipped my car. There is something wrong with you and you need help. I can't do this anymore it's emotionally draining" I went to reach for my phone to call the police and Michael grabbed it. I reached over to grab it back from him and then he grabbed the back of my head and slammed it into the steering wheel, entertainment console, and the passenger seat dashboard. At this point I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and crying. He put his hand around my neck and told me to shut up because we're going home. I whimpered and tried to stay quiet but my head and neck were hurting so badly that I couldn't help crying out. 

We make it back to my empty house and he shoved me into my back bedroom. I muscled up the courage to say "You're a monster and I never want to see you again" Michael looked at me and shoved me up against the wall and put his hands around my neck lifting me off the ground. I started violently hitting him as I started to choke, finally he let me go and I went to my bed into the furthest corner from him crying. 

We went back and forth for a second and he finally called a friend to come get him and then came back to shove an ambien down my throat. As I was trying to fight off the effects of the medication Michael sat there watching me as I drifted off to sleep, then went outside where he friend, Bryce was waiting.

This is where I should of gotten up immediately and called the cops. I can't explain to you my thought process but in my mind I blamed myself for everything that just happened. I forgave him immediately and tried to make things work. I was an idiot and me "trying to make things work" didn't last more then a week when he got violent with me again. Finally I told him that things were over and I broke things completely off with Michael.

What I regret most about this situation is that I didn't send him to jail. I regret that I was one of those girls who took the guy back after he hit her. I regret that when I see him out it ruins my entire day. The funny thing is, the one thing I don't regret is meeting him. I know that I deserve somebody better then Michael. Everybody deserves better then that. He ruined my summer before my freshman year in college but without him I wouldn't of met some amazing people and I wouldn't of made connections with these same people that have helped me become who I am today. 

I have a stance against domestic violence and have become a princess in my own right. I will never let someone else have that control over me and I will always be my own person, single or not. I know exactly what I want out of life and unlike him, I will reach those goals. 

I will make a difference, and I will stand tall

because that's what princesses do.

Thank you for reading this difficult story. It means so much to me.

XOXO

P.

“I guess it's going to have to hurt, I guess I'm going to have to cry, 

And let go of some things I've loved to get to the other side

I guess it's going to break me down, 

Like fallin when you try to fly, 

Sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life 

starts with goodbye” 

― Starts with Goodbye by Carrie Underwood

I Think This Is What Love Feels Like

I'm going to tell you about my semi weird love story...

Somewhere around late February early March 2010, I was a junior in high school and for the very first time my grades had started to slip. So my mother and father decided that the only option was to take away my Facebook because in 2010 everybody was obsessed with Facebook right?

So obviously instead of focusing on my homework like my parents wanted, I went on the search to find a site that would fill the void where Facebook had filled... so I googled "sites like Facebook" and the first thing that popped up was Mylol.net ... It was a weird little website that was basically a pool for horny little teenagers to look at pictures of other horny teenagers, but at the time it was the best thing I could do. I posted like 10 pictures and started on my marry little way.

About two weeks went by and I had been messaging a whole group of new guys. None of them had any real interest in me but more into if I could take pictures that could show more skin. What's new... but then I got a message from this guy named Chris, he was adventurous, funny, and kind of a dork. Before I knew it he was the only one I was talking to... finally in May of 2010 my parents gave me my Facebook back and I stopped getting on Mylol...and honestly I thought that would be the last time I would talk to Chris....

Until

He added me on Facebook :] So we started talking constantly, always wondering how each others days were going, listening to each others problems, and trying to fix it when we could. He was perfect...the only problem? Well I live in Kansas which is approximately 934 miles from where he lives in North Carolina. I'm not big on the long distant exclusive relationships thing and to be frank neither is he. I was 17 he was 18 it seemed like we were never going to work out but the chemistry between us was undeniable so to just cut off all contact wasn't an option. 

This is where my fatal flaw come in... 

Most of my dreams at night are about him.. Like what our life would be like together and how we would make it work. My dreams were like fairy tales, he was my knight in shining armor doing whatever he could to make it work between us. Of course I told my friends about him... but I never tell them the whole truth on how me and Chris started talking, because I thought it was embarrassing to say you met someone on the internet. I thought it was even worse to say that I'm basically in love with a guy I've never truly met. It's the how we were going to make it work that had been fabricated. Like I had come up with this plan in my head that after he graduated college he was going to move here for a year then move with me when I go to UCLA for law school a year later. Or that his mom is so excited about the prospects of us getting married that she had sent me wedding magazines. Just stupid stuff like that, that really wasn't necessary to say but to just make me feel better about my non-relationship relationship. 

Its not like these things aren't something that could technically 

happen in the future the problem is, that they haven't. 

Chris and I aren't exclusively talking. So over the last 3 years we both have been in relationships but when they end we always come back to each other. Sometimes we even speak while we're in them, but we always respect each others relationship. For some reason this last round of relationships was harder on the both of us. I got out of terrible relationship like hours before he got into one then she ended up cheating on him which made me more made then I'd ever been. I'm going to show you our conversation the week before I got into my relationship... we'd been talking a lot more frequently and I felt the need to ask Chris for permission first before I dated my ex:
(sometimes the pictures like to get out of order -__- bare with me)

 

I do love Chris with all my heart I just haven't told him that yet. I am suppose to travel to North Carolina before the summer is over and I really hope that all the questions that I have for him are answered. I know that he cares about me and he tells me how much he likes me all the time but I just feel like he won't say that he loves me until we're together. I need so badly for us to be together. When I picture my life and my happily ever after, it always includes him...no one else. I don't know what I would do if we didn't work out, as silly as that sounds it's true. He makes my darkest days brighter and I can't help but light up when his name flashes across my phone.. I think this is what love feels like...

Every princess has that prince charming who they want to sweep them off their feet and live happily ever after with and baby I hope you're mine.

XOXO

P.

"You can't undo a fall like this cause love don't know what distance is. 

Yeah, I know it's crazy but I don't want good 

and I don't want good enough. 

I want can't sleep, can't breathe without your love" 

- I Want Crazy by Hunter Hayes

I Will Make Better Mistakes Tomorrow

This is my very first blog post. Like many I am bad at telling others about my feelings, this is my way of becoming a better person. 

I've never been a very confidant person, people tell me that I'm pretty all the time but I don't know why it really has never stuck with me.. I started modeling to boost my self esteem a little. It works sometime but then I look at other girls who are so much prettier and more confidant and the little self esteem I did have...goes away. What's funny is that my group of friends say that I'm the most confidant and outgoing person they know, I guess after all these years, I've gotten really good at faking it.

You know when something happens and hours later you think of different scenarios in your head and act them out by yourself? My life is filled with those. Something always happens that I wish I could of tweaked a little so I would feel better about myself in the end. In my scenarios I always add little things that people would say when they talk about me when I'm not around, like "Well obviously she's pretty she's a model," or "I've always thought she was really gorgeous" just those little small things. When I finish my little "stories" I want to start them over to make them better. Sometimes it make me feel crazy that I'm constantly doing this when I'm by myself other times I think I could be amazing at writing plays or movies. All in all this little fact leads to my personality flaw..

Sometimes I forget those scenarios aren't real

and I tell my friends about them

like they really happened.

It's not something that I intentionally do. It really feels like I just forget sometimes. I don't catch that I have messed up until it's almost too late... but most of the time I just hope that it just fades away into conversation and never brought up again. It's a flaw that I truly have to work on, but it's a flaw that is going to take a lot of time to fix because I do it so naturally.

All princesses make mistakes, but as one we have to make efforts to fix those mistakes. That is what I hope this blog helps me do. I want to be the very best version of myself and I know I can do that. I may not be lavish and live in a castle but I am a princess. I am a normal american princess.

XOXO

P.

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. 

I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. 

But if you can't handle me at my worst, 

then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” 

― Marilyn Monroe