This Princess is VERY happy

As you all know I finally got to go to North Carolina.... and I had pretty high expectation of the whole thing. I want to let you all know that he's not perfect but he's the best thing in the world to me and I can't wait to start my life with him :D

He's a little weird and a complete dork but I couldn't stop smiling when I was around him. I felt myself be annoyingly clingy and want to be by his side all the time. Whenever we were sitting down he always either had his arms around me or my legs were in his lap. 

I hiked for the first time. I am incredibly out of shape and definitely need to work out more to keep up with him. Haha :] I have never been more happy in my life though. 

We're planning on seeing each other a lot more over the next year. He even told me that he would consider going to graduate school closer to me so we can be together. Unfortunately we're not officially dating until we can be closer but.......

 I can't believe how much I miss him right now. 

Okay Okay... It's Finally Happening!

I can't believe it but I'm finally getting to go see Chris here in just 2 days! I'm so sorry that I haven't been blogging lately... Just summer school ruined my life! Don't ever EVER take 10 hours during the summer its terrible...oh and if you have to take those classes don't go to Allen County Community College...just because it's cheaper doesn't mean its better...because believe me don't waste your time with that half ass school. [insert very angry emoji]

ANYWAY!

My flight is booked and its finalized nothing is keeping this princess from getting her prince charming!!! I'm so nervous and excited and overwhelmed it's crazy! We've been talking a whole lot more since we decided it was finally time to see each other! This boy just dropped almost $250 on a plane ticket for me and a shuttle to get me to him... Like...what!?!?! I was so surprised. He's so crazy amazing and I can't wait to finally meet him. 

I'm leaving KCI at 6:10 in the morning and should arrive in NC by 1:10 then the 3 hour shuttle to get to him... Its a long trip but completely worth it to see my maybe true love right?

I know there isn't much to this post but believe me when I get there I will try to post a whole lot more, and obviously on my 11 hour trip I'll blog too......and there will be a billion picture :P

THIS PRINCESS IS GOING TO NORTH CAROLINA!

XOXO

P.

Day One: Part 3

I followed his mom and grandmother into foyer that had double doors. I walked in and his mother closed them behind me.

"I want to give you something that is very special to our family Porschae.. something that goes way back to my mother's mother and even her mother before that. " I looked at his grandmother pick up this very ancient box as she grinned bigger then I've ever seen before.

I was getting anxious and definitely wanted to know what was in the box, "There isn't a finger in there right?" 

I nervously tried to make a joke that definitely fell completely flat but his grandmother was a lady and just smiled as she said, "Believe me, you're going to love what's in here"

Continuing ...

She open the box, the glare off of this diamond inside could of blinded me. I looked at her and Chris' mom "What is that..."

"It's a diamond dear." his mom responded.

"It's not just a diamond. It was my great great great grandmother's diamond that went into her engagement ring. It has been passed down from grandmother to incoming brides for generations."
"What makes you think I'm a incoming bride?"

"I have never seen my son so happy. For the past 3 years I've heard so much about you that it feels right having you here. Almost like I've known you for the past 3 years. I'm not ready for my little boy to get married and move on with his life but...it's easier when every time you text him his face lights up or when a picture of you comes on Facebook he rushes to show it to me. Its easy when I see how in love with you he is....I believe with my whole heart you two will be forever happy"

"Yes because in our family the men don't get remarried" his grandmother added.
I listened to them never quite taking my eyes of the probably 3 to 4 karat diamond staring at me. I stood completely frozen. My inner panic started to grow.

His family is giving me a huge diamond right now...

This can't be normal, He hasn't even told me he loves me.

How do I respond...What do I say.

I can't do this right now..

"Dear are you okay?" Chris' mom said

"I'm sorry...I got a little light headed"
"It's normal, I was about as surprised as you when I received it. It can be made into whatever you like...a necklace, a solitaire diamond on a bracelet  or if you'd like it can be given to Chris for, you know, a ring." she hesitated like she was afraid I was going to run, "You know I'm not trying to push anything on you...I'm sorry if all of this is freaking you out"

I quickly looked up at her and smiled, "I need you to understand that when I think about my future and any life changing plans they always include Chris. I love him with all my hear and soul" I laughed a bit, "He completely...completes me, I think my panic is because I wasn't expecting this to happen so soon, this way" I paused and looked at his grandmother, "I appreciate this so much and I can't wait to join your family"

***********************************

Chris and I finally reached his apartment after an exhausting night of spending time with all of this his closest family members and I just wanted to jump into the bed and cuddle with him.

"Baby?" I said softly.

"Yes beautiful," he said as he grabbed a bottle of wine out of his fridge. I paused not completely sure if I should continue what I was going to say. He turned and looked at me, "Is everything okay baby? My family didn't scare you off did they," he smirked.

"Nothing could make me leave you at this point Chris, but I do need to know something" I climbed onto the couch and laid on my back as he poured me a glass of white wine.

"Anything you want sweetheart," he slowed climbed on top of me and put his head on my chest. My hand automatically went into his lush brown hair. "Please tell me what's on your mind."

"Do you love me?" my words came out like a gun. I knew if I didn't get it out in that moment I would never ask...unfortunately I felt the instant wish I didn't say it in my stomach.

Chris' head came up as he kissed my collarbone "Of course I love you baby. Did you not know that?"

"You've never told me,"

"I know... I guess I just figured it was something that was assumed," He paused to kiss me again, "I won't do that again. I love you Porschae."

"A lot?"

"Yes a lot." I took in a deep breath. I realized it was a loud sigh when Chris laughed, "Was that weighing on you all night?"

"A little bit... you called me your girlfriend earlier and instead of feeling a ping of joy, I was overwhelmed with panic. We have talked for 3 straight years and we have made it very clear about how we feel about each other...kinda."

He interrupted me, "What do you mean kinda?"

"I mean.... I can personally say that I've loved you for....years. I've never stopped thinking about you and I've always wanted to be with you. I have always...known...that you were the prince charming to my fairy tale. I have a way of fucking up things that really matter to me and when you said I was your girlfriend to you family and when your mom had told me that you loved me it just made me wonder.....why you hadn't told me"

"Probably the same reason why you didn't tell me you loved me all those years ago...I was scared that I would be showing you feelings that you weren't ready for," At this point we had both sat up staring at each other. The undeniable chemistry brewing between us, "When we started talking all those years ago I didn't imagine you'd be this special to me. I couldn't fathom loving someone from 900 plus miles away, but....you changed that. I was scared obviously. I don't want to do anything to ever lose you"

I put my hands in his, "Kinda seems like I'm your end game" I laughed to break the seriousness of our conversation. He pulled me onto his lap and our eyes locked.

"Baby...you're my only game."

Day Two Coming Soon!

XOXO

P.

Day One: Part 2

We went into his room to put my bags up and I sat on his bed trying to contain my nerves. He closed the door and looked at me "They don't know we're here yet...we're a little early." He sat next to me and put his hand on my leg. I reached over and put my hands around his neck. I laid back on his bed as our lips met for the very first time, When we came up for air I dazed up at him and whispered "....wow" as I touched his face he kissed my hand and smiled saying,  "Yeah, that's what I imagined my last first kiss to be like"

Continuing ... 

My face flushed, my chest felt heated and I continued his words in my head as we went out to meet his family 

His last first kiss... like last? I can't believe this is happening...

I can't believe how happy I am

I stepped onto his porch as a herd of his family members crowded around me. They all buzzed with different question and statements but they went unheard as I continued in my daze.

I really love him...but I'm only 20...

am I ready to get married?.. I mean I do really want to be with him.

We could be engaged for a really long time... that would work...

"Baby?" Chris looked at me confused..

I automatically snapped out of it. "Oh I'm so sorry...I must be jet lagged" I said as I rubbed my forehead embarrassed by day dream. I looked around at all the excited faces as a women walked slowly toward me holding a glass. 

"I'm Chris' mom. Drink?" she was beautiful and so calming as she handed me a champagne fluke. "How was your flight my dear?"

I smiled saying "It was long and kinda frustrating but it was worth it" 
"Yes Chris is definitely worth a 5 hour flight right?"
"Definitely, I couldn't be happier to be here... to finally be with him"
"....He does seem happy doesn't he?" We both looked in Chris' general direction. I stared at Chris trying to signal him to come over. He was talking and laughing with a small old women that I assumed was his grandmother when he caught my eye. He found his way to me and put his arm around me and chuckled at his mother "Mom...."

"Yes dear?"

"Are you interrogating my wonderful girlfriend?"

girlfriend!?! we haven't talked about that..
we really haven't talked about much of anything actually

"No dear. Just friendly conversation. That's all" she smirked as she took another drink.

"Can I steal her please?"

All of the sudden the little old lady was by my side. She slipped her arm my waist, "No no me and you mother need to have a conversation with the pretty lady"

Chris looked worried...which worried me, "Grandma please don't scare her off"

"Little old me?" Her laugh made me laugh. It was a grandma laugh that calmed me instantly "She's a big girl, I promise we'll bring her right back" She looked at me as she started walking into the house "Come on my dear. I have something to show you," she smiled and laughed again as I followed her into the house.

This was obviously not Chris' house it had to be his parents...maybe his grandparents. I followed his mom and grandmother into foyer that had double doors. I walked in and his mother closed them behind me.

"I want to give you something that is very special to our family Porschae.. something that goes way back to my mother's mother and even her mother before that. " I looked at his grandmother pick up this very ancient box as she grinned bigger then I've ever seen before.

I was getting anxious and definitely wanted to know what was in the box, "There isn't a finger in there right?" 

I nervously tried to make a joke that definitely fell completely flat but his grandmother was a lady and just smiled as she said, "Believe me, you're going to love what's in here"

To be continued....

Day One: Part 1

Like I promised, these next couple of posts are going to my dreams in story form...I'm really excited about this. I've never wrote my dreams down and I would love your feedback on them. 

DAY ONE:

I'm sitting on the plane nervously tapping my fingers excited to finally get in the air. I sit back and close my eyes but I'm so restless I can help but picture his face. It's going to be a long flight, and I can't wait to get to North Carolina. 
The plane gets to North Carolina and I slowly take off my seat belt, feeling the hair rise on my arms. "I can't believe this is finally happening....after 3 years...I get to finally see him" flashes through my head. I grab my bags and rush to the door of the airplane then stop abruptly. I reach for my phone in my pocket to check to make sure I don't look flustered, that there wasn't anything on my face, basically to check if I looked perfect enough to meet the man I want so desperately to be my future husband.  
I walk out slowly scanning the crowd to find Chris, then our eyes meet. My face felt hot as I walked toward him.
"Hey" he said slowly and shaky.
"Hi," I responded.
Then he pulled out a bouquet of peonies...my favorite flower and smiled as he said "I saw your instagram picture on facebook and thought it was fitting"
I couldn't help but laugh at the fact that he got the idea off facebook especially since I stalk his facebook when I'm just bored all the time. I laughed to myself and took the flowers and smelled them. He took my bags from me and we just stood there staring at each other. So to break the silence I threw my hand out and said "Porschae". 
He looked down at my hand and smiled as he put his hand in mine and said "Chris"

***********************************************

We arrived at his house and before we walked in he stopped and looked back at me, "I want to warn you that... my entire family is in there."
I laughed and when I looked up at him he had the same expression on as before, "Wait you're serious right now?"
"Yeah, it was" he paused "completely out of my hands"
"Why..."
"When I told my mom you were coming she demanded that she meet you...and then my mom got to talking to my family....by the end of that week everybody wanted to meet you and come visit..."
"When you say everybody...."
"Aunts, uncles, cousins, my grandparents....yeah...everybody baby" I felt hot again and I'm sure the panic showed on my face, he came down the stairs and grabbed my hand "They are going to love you, don't worry about it." I nodded and we went inside.
As the door opened all I heard were the distant chattering of his family members he looked at me and smiled "They're probably in the backyard" I could not contain my nervousness. We went into his room to put my bags up and I sat on his bed trying to contain my nerves. He closed the door and looked at me "They don't know we're here yet...we're a little early." He sat next to me and put his hand on my leg. I reached over and put my hands around his neck. I laid back on his bed as our lips met for the very first time, When we came up for air I dazed up at him and whispered "....wow" as I touched his face he kissed my hand and smiled saying,  "Yeah, that's what I imagined my last first kiss to be like"

To be continued... :]

Cherish You Dreams

For the last couple of days I have been planning my wedding.... before you freak out..... no, Chris did not propose, no I'm not engaged, but I have had series of dreams that have been so real its crazy. In every one of these dreams my prince charming was obviously Chris, but it composed of a different day of my trip to see him. Until 2 nights ago he proposed in it, I woke up more happy and excited to see him then ever before. 

Do I honestly think when I go to North Carolina he's going to propose? No, not at all. It's a total unrealistic pipe dream but its a dream of mine. Like I said in a previous post, when I think about my future it's always with him.... so why not get a head start on the planning? There are the obvious reason...Like I don't want to seem like a crazed girl obsessed with getting married or that I'm just crazy .... period. I wouldn't want to get married this soon anyways...I mean, I'm only 20. I would love to be engaged though, for long time. Like getting engaged during the summer then married two years later. Just enough time to make sure it's the right choice but not too long that it seems like we're going to be engaged forever, giving me plenty of time to plan and save up for my dream wedding (okay yes I have a little box under my bed labeled "dream wedding fund" and yes donations are welcomed) and most of all for us to feel out what married life would be like for the two of us.

When I get married I want it be the love of my life. The guy I can grow old and die with, with tombstones right next to each other on the top of the hill under a tree. I want forever. I don't want to get married multiple times, marriage isn't a test drive, you don't get into different ones until you find the right fit, that's what dating is for! I want to get married once and only once so I don't feel bad for spending a tremendous amount of money on my special day. I don't want "My wedding day.....take two" that's not cute! I'm happy for all those people who found the love of their lives on the second or third try but I don't want that for my life. I want my love to be epic, I want my love to be that kind of love that people look at you and say "wow I can't believe after all these years they're still together" I want love everlasting. I want that feeling of falling in love with my spouse all over again everyday for the rest of my life. Why is that so hard nowadays? 

Okay, So really I think I'm going to start a series of my dreams so you all can really understand what's going on and why I'm reacting the way I am. Like I said these dreams are so unbelievably real and for some reason I remember every single detail of them....which doesn't usually happen. It's crazy...and I want to share them with you. So starting tomorrow I'm going to 1. type out the last 4 days of dreams so you can get some background and 2. type out every single one of my dreams when I wake up. I think this will be fun...and maybe if I can actually see some of your feed backs of them....so I can feel...well....less crazy! 

I'm super excited!

XOXO

P.

"Cherish your visions and your dreams as they are the children of your soul, the blueprints of your ultimate achievements."

Napoleon Hill

Just Wait and See

My life feels like a constant race. There are hurdles at every turn and I just have to do my best to jump them as I continue towards my goals. My hurdles seem to be getting bigger and bigger as I go on. Some times they aren't reachable and I have to look back at the fallen hurdle as I continue...but the fallen hurdles are piling up fast and I feel like I'm losing this race. I feel like I'm failing at my life...

I wish this post was going to be a happy one, but it really isn't. This post is following me getting some really bad news...and even though I should be sleeping right now, I just cant.

All I've ever wanted was to go to KU and be a Jayhawk, graduate in 2015 then go on to UCLA, where I would go to law school. I thought that it wasn't such an ambitious dream, something that could be easily accomplished. I wasn't expecting to have so much difficulties with my classes. I didn't expect that I would have troubles with my general education classes that really had nothing to do with what I wanted to do with my life.... I didn't expect this at all... I've never really thought I was the smartest person in the world. I had average knowledge... I'm definitely not stupid obviously but I'm no genius, I have my weak point and my strong points.

It seems like nothing that I truly want ever really works out for me. Like if I really really want it, I won't get it. I want to just give up on everything. I once  tried to commit suicide. It was a real low point in my life and even now it's not something that has ever left my mind. I don't think I would ever try again, but the thoughts of it still linger. Like if I died how would Chris find out... would anybody even think to contact him? Or If I decided to not brake...would that I die if I ran into that tree? I'm never going to not be depressed I don't think. It feels like something that is always going to be there. 

My life is one big joke. Everybody is in on it, just wondering how much shit they can throw at Porschae before she breaks. I just wonder how much I can take...because I feel like I'm reaching my limit. I don't honestly think I can take much more disappointment. I don't think I can take much more of anything bad in my life. I'm becoming very apathetic about everything now.... Like If I just don't really care about anything maybe I'll stop being disappointed. Does that make sense? but...does it really. If I stop being passionate about things in my life...what I really want to do, where I wanna go, things I wanna achieve....will I stop getting hurt? I don't know if that's how it works but obviously what I'm doing isn't working....I'm doing something wrong...and I would just like to know what it is........

To the world I'm a pretty girl who has everything going for her but in truth I'm just the girl who feels like everything is just falling apart.

Is taking my life the answer?

No, I can't do that...I have amazing people here. I have probably the best mom anybody could ask for. I couldn't just leave her here with that devastation... suicide is the most selfish thing I could do to a women who has done everything for me. I have amazing friends who know exactly what to do to put a smile on my face...and I have the unknown that is Chris... 

I have things to live for...I really do. 

I just need to re evaluate my life and get back on track... 

I can do that... I know I can...

I have to stop doubting myself and get my ass back on that track and jump over every damn hurdle life throws at me. 

Princesses don't quit, they don't throw in the towel and they don't just let good be good enough. I will be great... No I'll be better then great, I'll be phenomenal... just wait and see. 

XOXO

P.

My True Story About Domestic Violence

Not going to lie but this topic is a little hard for me to talk about. It's about my ex Michael and my first experience with someone putting their hands on me. 

This is my true story about domestic violence.  

How do I start a story like this? Do I start off by telling you that I was just turning 18 he was a 23 year old bad boy that I had no business with? Do I start off by telling you how we first met? Or do I start by saying that he is and always will be the biggest regret of my life...?

Michael and I had the stereotypical Ronnie and Sammie (Jersey Shore) type of relationship. We "loved" each other but always fought over the stupidest things because he wanted to control me. He had a terrible temper and he was my first older guy that I had dated and I was young stupid and didn't want to lose him. Something should of flashed in my head that this wasn't right when I found out that not only had he gone to jail but he had a felony that had to do with something violent.... but what's done is done and I can't really go back in time now.....

But I guess I will just start off with the night it all happened......

It was a summer night and I had to go into work. I worked at a bar that Michael had showed me and helped me get the job. I really liked it, I didn't have to work very long and got a lot of money from it. Michael would come get me from work every night and take me home where he basically lived with me. This time he actually came in and hung out in the bar and waited for it to close because some of his friends had came by to hang out and were still drinking.

At the end of the night Michael and his friends went out into the parking lot while I was finishing cleaning and tipping out. All of the sudden the bouncer comes in and says "Who ever is with the drug pushing white boy in the black durango needs to leave now" I was obviously confused and went and talked to the bouncer who I had grown a close friendship with. He went on to tell me that Michael had be jumping back and forth between vehicles with his friends in the parking lot looking into pill bottles and baggies. He added that he had confronted them and that Michael quickly snapped back saying that his girlfriend worked inside. 

I went outside embarrassed as all get out and got into the car and said quietly "Michael please refrain from selling drugs outside my workplace" but before I got that out Michael screamed and cursed at me to shut my mouth. (Let me note that the black durango that he is driving is my vehicle because not only did he not have a job he didn't have a car either.) 

I sat there in silence for a second as we drove down the highway thinking about how my life was going and finally I turned to him and said "Please call your cousin and see if you can stay over there because I can't do this anymore" He slammed on the breaks as we are going almost 80 mph done the highway... making my car skid toward the edge of the highway. He screams "Oh you think you're done with me!?!" and I reply "Michael what the hell you could of flipped my car. There is something wrong with you and you need help. I can't do this anymore it's emotionally draining" I went to reach for my phone to call the police and Michael grabbed it. I reached over to grab it back from him and then he grabbed the back of my head and slammed it into the steering wheel, entertainment console, and the passenger seat dashboard. At this point I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and crying. He put his hand around my neck and told me to shut up because we're going home. I whimpered and tried to stay quiet but my head and neck were hurting so badly that I couldn't help crying out. 

We make it back to my empty house and he shoved me into my back bedroom. I muscled up the courage to say "You're a monster and I never want to see you again" Michael looked at me and shoved me up against the wall and put his hands around my neck lifting me off the ground. I started violently hitting him as I started to choke, finally he let me go and I went to my bed into the furthest corner from him crying. 

We went back and forth for a second and he finally called a friend to come get him and then came back to shove an ambien down my throat. As I was trying to fight off the effects of the medication Michael sat there watching me as I drifted off to sleep, then went outside where he friend, Bryce was waiting.

This is where I should of gotten up immediately and called the cops. I can't explain to you my thought process but in my mind I blamed myself for everything that just happened. I forgave him immediately and tried to make things work. I was an idiot and me "trying to make things work" didn't last more then a week when he got violent with me again. Finally I told him that things were over and I broke things completely off with Michael.

What I regret most about this situation is that I didn't send him to jail. I regret that I was one of those girls who took the guy back after he hit her. I regret that when I see him out it ruins my entire day. The funny thing is, the one thing I don't regret is meeting him. I know that I deserve somebody better then Michael. Everybody deserves better then that. He ruined my summer before my freshman year in college but without him I wouldn't of met some amazing people and I wouldn't of made connections with these same people that have helped me become who I am today. 

I have a stance against domestic violence and have become a princess in my own right. I will never let someone else have that control over me and I will always be my own person, single or not. I know exactly what I want out of life and unlike him, I will reach those goals. 

I will make a difference, and I will stand tall

because that's what princesses do.

Thank you for reading this difficult story. It means so much to me.

XOXO

P.

“I guess it's going to have to hurt, I guess I'm going to have to cry, 

And let go of some things I've loved to get to the other side

I guess it's going to break me down, 

Like fallin when you try to fly, 

Sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life 

starts with goodbye” 

― Starts with Goodbye by Carrie Underwood

I Think This Is What Love Feels Like

I'm going to tell you about my semi weird love story...

Somewhere around late February early March 2010, I was a junior in high school and for the very first time my grades had started to slip. So my mother and father decided that the only option was to take away my Facebook because in 2010 everybody was obsessed with Facebook right?

So obviously instead of focusing on my homework like my parents wanted, I went on the search to find a site that would fill the void where Facebook had filled... so I googled "sites like Facebook" and the first thing that popped up was Mylol.net ... It was a weird little website that was basically a pool for horny little teenagers to look at pictures of other horny teenagers, but at the time it was the best thing I could do. I posted like 10 pictures and started on my marry little way.

About two weeks went by and I had been messaging a whole group of new guys. None of them had any real interest in me but more into if I could take pictures that could show more skin. What's new... but then I got a message from this guy named Chris, he was adventurous, funny, and kind of a dork. Before I knew it he was the only one I was talking to... finally in May of 2010 my parents gave me my Facebook back and I stopped getting on Mylol...and honestly I thought that would be the last time I would talk to Chris....

Until

He added me on Facebook :] So we started talking constantly, always wondering how each others days were going, listening to each others problems, and trying to fix it when we could. He was perfect...the only problem? Well I live in Kansas which is approximately 934 miles from where he lives in North Carolina. I'm not big on the long distant exclusive relationships thing and to be frank neither is he. I was 17 he was 18 it seemed like we were never going to work out but the chemistry between us was undeniable so to just cut off all contact wasn't an option. 

This is where my fatal flaw come in... 

Most of my dreams at night are about him.. Like what our life would be like together and how we would make it work. My dreams were like fairy tales, he was my knight in shining armor doing whatever he could to make it work between us. Of course I told my friends about him... but I never tell them the whole truth on how me and Chris started talking, because I thought it was embarrassing to say you met someone on the internet. I thought it was even worse to say that I'm basically in love with a guy I've never truly met. It's the how we were going to make it work that had been fabricated. Like I had come up with this plan in my head that after he graduated college he was going to move here for a year then move with me when I go to UCLA for law school a year later. Or that his mom is so excited about the prospects of us getting married that she had sent me wedding magazines. Just stupid stuff like that, that really wasn't necessary to say but to just make me feel better about my non-relationship relationship. 

Its not like these things aren't something that could technically 

happen in the future the problem is, that they haven't. 

Chris and I aren't exclusively talking. So over the last 3 years we both have been in relationships but when they end we always come back to each other. Sometimes we even speak while we're in them, but we always respect each others relationship. For some reason this last round of relationships was harder on the both of us. I got out of terrible relationship like hours before he got into one then she ended up cheating on him which made me more made then I'd ever been. I'm going to show you our conversation the week before I got into my relationship... we'd been talking a lot more frequently and I felt the need to ask Chris for permission first before I dated my ex:
(sometimes the pictures like to get out of order -__- bare with me)

 

I do love Chris with all my heart I just haven't told him that yet. I am suppose to travel to North Carolina before the summer is over and I really hope that all the questions that I have for him are answered. I know that he cares about me and he tells me how much he likes me all the time but I just feel like he won't say that he loves me until we're together. I need so badly for us to be together. When I picture my life and my happily ever after, it always includes him...no one else. I don't know what I would do if we didn't work out, as silly as that sounds it's true. He makes my darkest days brighter and I can't help but light up when his name flashes across my phone.. I think this is what love feels like...

Every princess has that prince charming who they want to sweep them off their feet and live happily ever after with and baby I hope you're mine.

XOXO

P.

"You can't undo a fall like this cause love don't know what distance is. 

Yeah, I know it's crazy but I don't want good 

and I don't want good enough. 

I want can't sleep, can't breathe without your love" 

- I Want Crazy by Hunter Hayes

I Will Make Better Mistakes Tomorrow

This is my very first blog post. Like many I am bad at telling others about my feelings, this is my way of becoming a better person. 

I've never been a very confidant person, people tell me that I'm pretty all the time but I don't know why it really has never stuck with me.. I started modeling to boost my self esteem a little. It works sometime but then I look at other girls who are so much prettier and more confidant and the little self esteem I did have...goes away. What's funny is that my group of friends say that I'm the most confidant and outgoing person they know, I guess after all these years, I've gotten really good at faking it.

You know when something happens and hours later you think of different scenarios in your head and act them out by yourself? My life is filled with those. Something always happens that I wish I could of tweaked a little so I would feel better about myself in the end. In my scenarios I always add little things that people would say when they talk about me when I'm not around, like "Well obviously she's pretty she's a model," or "I've always thought she was really gorgeous" just those little small things. When I finish my little "stories" I want to start them over to make them better. Sometimes it make me feel crazy that I'm constantly doing this when I'm by myself other times I think I could be amazing at writing plays or movies. All in all this little fact leads to my personality flaw..

Sometimes I forget those scenarios aren't real

and I tell my friends about them

like they really happened.

It's not something that I intentionally do. It really feels like I just forget sometimes. I don't catch that I have messed up until it's almost too late... but most of the time I just hope that it just fades away into conversation and never brought up again. It's a flaw that I truly have to work on, but it's a flaw that is going to take a lot of time to fix because I do it so naturally.

All princesses make mistakes, but as one we have to make efforts to fix those mistakes. That is what I hope this blog helps me do. I want to be the very best version of myself and I know I can do that. I may not be lavish and live in a castle but I am a princess. I am a normal american princess.

XOXO

P.

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. 

I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. 

But if you can't handle me at my worst, 

then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” 

― Marilyn Monroe