Just Wait and See

My life feels like a constant race. There are hurdles at every turn and I just have to do my best to jump them as I continue towards my goals. My hurdles seem to be getting bigger and bigger as I go on. Some times they aren't reachable and I have to look back at the fallen hurdle as I continue...but the fallen hurdles are piling up fast and I feel like I'm losing this race. I feel like I'm failing at my life...

I wish this post was going to be a happy one, but it really isn't. This post is following me getting some really bad news...and even though I should be sleeping right now, I just cant.

All I've ever wanted was to go to KU and be a Jayhawk, graduate in 2015 then go on to UCLA, where I would go to law school. I thought that it wasn't such an ambitious dream, something that could be easily accomplished. I wasn't expecting to have so much difficulties with my classes. I didn't expect that I would have troubles with my general education classes that really had nothing to do with what I wanted to do with my life.... I didn't expect this at all... I've never really thought I was the smartest person in the world. I had average knowledge... I'm definitely not stupid obviously but I'm no genius, I have my weak point and my strong points.

It seems like nothing that I truly want ever really works out for me. Like if I really really want it, I won't get it. I want to just give up on everything. I once  tried to commit suicide. It was a real low point in my life and even now it's not something that has ever left my mind. I don't think I would ever try again, but the thoughts of it still linger. Like if I died how would Chris find out... would anybody even think to contact him? Or If I decided to not brake...would that I die if I ran into that tree? I'm never going to not be depressed I don't think. It feels like something that is always going to be there. 

My life is one big joke. Everybody is in on it, just wondering how much shit they can throw at Porschae before she breaks. I just wonder how much I can take...because I feel like I'm reaching my limit. I don't honestly think I can take much more disappointment. I don't think I can take much more of anything bad in my life. I'm becoming very apathetic about everything now.... Like If I just don't really care about anything maybe I'll stop being disappointed. Does that make sense? but...does it really. If I stop being passionate about things in my life...what I really want to do, where I wanna go, things I wanna achieve....will I stop getting hurt? I don't know if that's how it works but obviously what I'm doing isn't working....I'm doing something wrong...and I would just like to know what it is........

To the world I'm a pretty girl who has everything going for her but in truth I'm just the girl who feels like everything is just falling apart.

Is taking my life the answer?

No, I can't do that...I have amazing people here. I have probably the best mom anybody could ask for. I couldn't just leave her here with that devastation... suicide is the most selfish thing I could do to a women who has done everything for me. I have amazing friends who know exactly what to do to put a smile on my face...and I have the unknown that is Chris... 

I have things to live for...I really do. 

I just need to re evaluate my life and get back on track... 

I can do that... I know I can...

I have to stop doubting myself and get my ass back on that track and jump over every damn hurdle life throws at me. 

Princesses don't quit, they don't throw in the towel and they don't just let good be good enough. I will be great... No I'll be better then great, I'll be phenomenal... just wait and see. 

XOXO

P.