Okay Okay... It's Finally Happening!

I can't believe it but I'm finally getting to go see Chris here in just 2 days! I'm so sorry that I haven't been blogging lately... Just summer school ruined my life! Don't ever EVER take 10 hours during the summer its terrible...oh and if you have to take those classes don't go to Allen County Community College...just because it's cheaper doesn't mean its better...because believe me don't waste your time with that half ass school. [insert very angry emoji]

ANYWAY!

My flight is booked and its finalized nothing is keeping this princess from getting her prince charming!!! I'm so nervous and excited and overwhelmed it's crazy! We've been talking a whole lot more since we decided it was finally time to see each other! This boy just dropped almost $250 on a plane ticket for me and a shuttle to get me to him... Like...what!?!?! I was so surprised. He's so crazy amazing and I can't wait to finally meet him. 

I'm leaving KCI at 6:10 in the morning and should arrive in NC by 1:10 then the 3 hour shuttle to get to him... Its a long trip but completely worth it to see my maybe true love right?

I know there isn't much to this post but believe me when I get there I will try to post a whole lot more, and obviously on my 11 hour trip I'll blog too......and there will be a billion picture :P

THIS PRINCESS IS GOING TO NORTH CAROLINA!

XOXO

P.

Day One: Part 3

I followed his mom and grandmother into foyer that had double doors. I walked in and his mother closed them behind me.

"I want to give you something that is very special to our family Porschae.. something that goes way back to my mother's mother and even her mother before that. " I looked at his grandmother pick up this very ancient box as she grinned bigger then I've ever seen before.

I was getting anxious and definitely wanted to know what was in the box, "There isn't a finger in there right?" 

I nervously tried to make a joke that definitely fell completely flat but his grandmother was a lady and just smiled as she said, "Believe me, you're going to love what's in here"

Continuing ...

She open the box, the glare off of this diamond inside could of blinded me. I looked at her and Chris' mom "What is that..."

"It's a diamond dear." his mom responded.

"It's not just a diamond. It was my great great great grandmother's diamond that went into her engagement ring. It has been passed down from grandmother to incoming brides for generations."
"What makes you think I'm a incoming bride?"

"I have never seen my son so happy. For the past 3 years I've heard so much about you that it feels right having you here. Almost like I've known you for the past 3 years. I'm not ready for my little boy to get married and move on with his life but...it's easier when every time you text him his face lights up or when a picture of you comes on Facebook he rushes to show it to me. Its easy when I see how in love with you he is....I believe with my whole heart you two will be forever happy"

"Yes because in our family the men don't get remarried" his grandmother added.
I listened to them never quite taking my eyes of the probably 3 to 4 karat diamond staring at me. I stood completely frozen. My inner panic started to grow.

His family is giving me a huge diamond right now...

This can't be normal, He hasn't even told me he loves me.

How do I respond...What do I say.

I can't do this right now..

"Dear are you okay?" Chris' mom said

"I'm sorry...I got a little light headed"
"It's normal, I was about as surprised as you when I received it. It can be made into whatever you like...a necklace, a solitaire diamond on a bracelet  or if you'd like it can be given to Chris for, you know, a ring." she hesitated like she was afraid I was going to run, "You know I'm not trying to push anything on you...I'm sorry if all of this is freaking you out"

I quickly looked up at her and smiled, "I need you to understand that when I think about my future and any life changing plans they always include Chris. I love him with all my hear and soul" I laughed a bit, "He completely...completes me, I think my panic is because I wasn't expecting this to happen so soon, this way" I paused and looked at his grandmother, "I appreciate this so much and I can't wait to join your family"

***********************************

Chris and I finally reached his apartment after an exhausting night of spending time with all of this his closest family members and I just wanted to jump into the bed and cuddle with him.

"Baby?" I said softly.

"Yes beautiful," he said as he grabbed a bottle of wine out of his fridge. I paused not completely sure if I should continue what I was going to say. He turned and looked at me, "Is everything okay baby? My family didn't scare you off did they," he smirked.

"Nothing could make me leave you at this point Chris, but I do need to know something" I climbed onto the couch and laid on my back as he poured me a glass of white wine.

"Anything you want sweetheart," he slowed climbed on top of me and put his head on my chest. My hand automatically went into his lush brown hair. "Please tell me what's on your mind."

"Do you love me?" my words came out like a gun. I knew if I didn't get it out in that moment I would never ask...unfortunately I felt the instant wish I didn't say it in my stomach.

Chris' head came up as he kissed my collarbone "Of course I love you baby. Did you not know that?"

"You've never told me,"

"I know... I guess I just figured it was something that was assumed," He paused to kiss me again, "I won't do that again. I love you Porschae."

"A lot?"

"Yes a lot." I took in a deep breath. I realized it was a loud sigh when Chris laughed, "Was that weighing on you all night?"

"A little bit... you called me your girlfriend earlier and instead of feeling a ping of joy, I was overwhelmed with panic. We have talked for 3 straight years and we have made it very clear about how we feel about each other...kinda."

He interrupted me, "What do you mean kinda?"

"I mean.... I can personally say that I've loved you for....years. I've never stopped thinking about you and I've always wanted to be with you. I have always...known...that you were the prince charming to my fairy tale. I have a way of fucking up things that really matter to me and when you said I was your girlfriend to you family and when your mom had told me that you loved me it just made me wonder.....why you hadn't told me"

"Probably the same reason why you didn't tell me you loved me all those years ago...I was scared that I would be showing you feelings that you weren't ready for," At this point we had both sat up staring at each other. The undeniable chemistry brewing between us, "When we started talking all those years ago I didn't imagine you'd be this special to me. I couldn't fathom loving someone from 900 plus miles away, but....you changed that. I was scared obviously. I don't want to do anything to ever lose you"

I put my hands in his, "Kinda seems like I'm your end game" I laughed to break the seriousness of our conversation. He pulled me onto his lap and our eyes locked.

"Baby...you're my only game."

Day Two Coming Soon!

XOXO

P.

Just Wait and See

My life feels like a constant race. There are hurdles at every turn and I just have to do my best to jump them as I continue towards my goals. My hurdles seem to be getting bigger and bigger as I go on. Some times they aren't reachable and I have to look back at the fallen hurdle as I continue...but the fallen hurdles are piling up fast and I feel like I'm losing this race. I feel like I'm failing at my life...

I wish this post was going to be a happy one, but it really isn't. This post is following me getting some really bad news...and even though I should be sleeping right now, I just cant.

All I've ever wanted was to go to KU and be a Jayhawk, graduate in 2015 then go on to UCLA, where I would go to law school. I thought that it wasn't such an ambitious dream, something that could be easily accomplished. I wasn't expecting to have so much difficulties with my classes. I didn't expect that I would have troubles with my general education classes that really had nothing to do with what I wanted to do with my life.... I didn't expect this at all... I've never really thought I was the smartest person in the world. I had average knowledge... I'm definitely not stupid obviously but I'm no genius, I have my weak point and my strong points.

It seems like nothing that I truly want ever really works out for me. Like if I really really want it, I won't get it. I want to just give up on everything. I once  tried to commit suicide. It was a real low point in my life and even now it's not something that has ever left my mind. I don't think I would ever try again, but the thoughts of it still linger. Like if I died how would Chris find out... would anybody even think to contact him? Or If I decided to not brake...would that I die if I ran into that tree? I'm never going to not be depressed I don't think. It feels like something that is always going to be there. 

My life is one big joke. Everybody is in on it, just wondering how much shit they can throw at Porschae before she breaks. I just wonder how much I can take...because I feel like I'm reaching my limit. I don't honestly think I can take much more disappointment. I don't think I can take much more of anything bad in my life. I'm becoming very apathetic about everything now.... Like If I just don't really care about anything maybe I'll stop being disappointed. Does that make sense? but...does it really. If I stop being passionate about things in my life...what I really want to do, where I wanna go, things I wanna achieve....will I stop getting hurt? I don't know if that's how it works but obviously what I'm doing isn't working....I'm doing something wrong...and I would just like to know what it is........

To the world I'm a pretty girl who has everything going for her but in truth I'm just the girl who feels like everything is just falling apart.

Is taking my life the answer?

No, I can't do that...I have amazing people here. I have probably the best mom anybody could ask for. I couldn't just leave her here with that devastation... suicide is the most selfish thing I could do to a women who has done everything for me. I have amazing friends who know exactly what to do to put a smile on my face...and I have the unknown that is Chris... 

I have things to live for...I really do. 

I just need to re evaluate my life and get back on track... 

I can do that... I know I can...

I have to stop doubting myself and get my ass back on that track and jump over every damn hurdle life throws at me. 

Princesses don't quit, they don't throw in the towel and they don't just let good be good enough. I will be great... No I'll be better then great, I'll be phenomenal... just wait and see. 

XOXO

P.

My True Story About Domestic Violence

Not going to lie but this topic is a little hard for me to talk about. It's about my ex Michael and my first experience with someone putting their hands on me. 

This is my true story about domestic violence.  

How do I start a story like this? Do I start off by telling you that I was just turning 18 he was a 23 year old bad boy that I had no business with? Do I start off by telling you how we first met? Or do I start by saying that he is and always will be the biggest regret of my life...?

Michael and I had the stereotypical Ronnie and Sammie (Jersey Shore) type of relationship. We "loved" each other but always fought over the stupidest things because he wanted to control me. He had a terrible temper and he was my first older guy that I had dated and I was young stupid and didn't want to lose him. Something should of flashed in my head that this wasn't right when I found out that not only had he gone to jail but he had a felony that had to do with something violent.... but what's done is done and I can't really go back in time now.....

But I guess I will just start off with the night it all happened......

It was a summer night and I had to go into work. I worked at a bar that Michael had showed me and helped me get the job. I really liked it, I didn't have to work very long and got a lot of money from it. Michael would come get me from work every night and take me home where he basically lived with me. This time he actually came in and hung out in the bar and waited for it to close because some of his friends had came by to hang out and were still drinking.

At the end of the night Michael and his friends went out into the parking lot while I was finishing cleaning and tipping out. All of the sudden the bouncer comes in and says "Who ever is with the drug pushing white boy in the black durango needs to leave now" I was obviously confused and went and talked to the bouncer who I had grown a close friendship with. He went on to tell me that Michael had be jumping back and forth between vehicles with his friends in the parking lot looking into pill bottles and baggies. He added that he had confronted them and that Michael quickly snapped back saying that his girlfriend worked inside. 

I went outside embarrassed as all get out and got into the car and said quietly "Michael please refrain from selling drugs outside my workplace" but before I got that out Michael screamed and cursed at me to shut my mouth. (Let me note that the black durango that he is driving is my vehicle because not only did he not have a job he didn't have a car either.) 

I sat there in silence for a second as we drove down the highway thinking about how my life was going and finally I turned to him and said "Please call your cousin and see if you can stay over there because I can't do this anymore" He slammed on the breaks as we are going almost 80 mph done the highway... making my car skid toward the edge of the highway. He screams "Oh you think you're done with me!?!" and I reply "Michael what the hell you could of flipped my car. There is something wrong with you and you need help. I can't do this anymore it's emotionally draining" I went to reach for my phone to call the police and Michael grabbed it. I reached over to grab it back from him and then he grabbed the back of my head and slammed it into the steering wheel, entertainment console, and the passenger seat dashboard. At this point I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and crying. He put his hand around my neck and told me to shut up because we're going home. I whimpered and tried to stay quiet but my head and neck were hurting so badly that I couldn't help crying out. 

We make it back to my empty house and he shoved me into my back bedroom. I muscled up the courage to say "You're a monster and I never want to see you again" Michael looked at me and shoved me up against the wall and put his hands around my neck lifting me off the ground. I started violently hitting him as I started to choke, finally he let me go and I went to my bed into the furthest corner from him crying. 

We went back and forth for a second and he finally called a friend to come get him and then came back to shove an ambien down my throat. As I was trying to fight off the effects of the medication Michael sat there watching me as I drifted off to sleep, then went outside where he friend, Bryce was waiting.

This is where I should of gotten up immediately and called the cops. I can't explain to you my thought process but in my mind I blamed myself for everything that just happened. I forgave him immediately and tried to make things work. I was an idiot and me "trying to make things work" didn't last more then a week when he got violent with me again. Finally I told him that things were over and I broke things completely off with Michael.

What I regret most about this situation is that I didn't send him to jail. I regret that I was one of those girls who took the guy back after he hit her. I regret that when I see him out it ruins my entire day. The funny thing is, the one thing I don't regret is meeting him. I know that I deserve somebody better then Michael. Everybody deserves better then that. He ruined my summer before my freshman year in college but without him I wouldn't of met some amazing people and I wouldn't of made connections with these same people that have helped me become who I am today. 

I have a stance against domestic violence and have become a princess in my own right. I will never let someone else have that control over me and I will always be my own person, single or not. I know exactly what I want out of life and unlike him, I will reach those goals. 

I will make a difference, and I will stand tall

because that's what princesses do.

Thank you for reading this difficult story. It means so much to me.

XOXO

P.

“I guess it's going to have to hurt, I guess I'm going to have to cry, 

And let go of some things I've loved to get to the other side

I guess it's going to break me down, 

Like fallin when you try to fly, 

Sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life 

starts with goodbye” 

― Starts with Goodbye by Carrie Underwood